"Rehab is for quitters."

"Born free...Taxed to death."

"Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"All generalizations are false."

"Friends don't let friends drive naked."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

"I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening."

"If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question."

"Bad Cop! No donut!"

"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes."

"This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!"

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....Not screaming like the passengers in his car..."

"Three out of four men who try Camels© prefer women."

"Watch my rear ... not hers."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"Horn broken. Watch for finger."

"I brake for no apparent reason."

"Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control."

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?"

"Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep."

"All men are idiots, and I married their King."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician."

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"No radio - Already stolen."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW."

"Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

"According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?"

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"